Loving our Bubble...

I live in a bubble................There I said it!!!  I feel that admitting you have something you want to change is the first step to changing.  So here I am ready to break out of the bubble I have built for my family since Hayden was diagnosed with severe autism in February of 2010.

I am sure you are wondering what the heck I mean by a bubble.  Well, hold your horse's and I will tell you.  My bubble was built by me and has grown bigger and bigger over the years.  When I think of our bubble I think of it as a safe, loving, non-judgemental environment where we are free to be who we want.  It is where I don't have to deal with others giving us strange looks or judging me on my parenting or non-traditional treatments for my son.  I don't have to explain anything to anyone.  I don't have to listen to people whine about the weather or that they have to do laundry and run errands for the day.  I have created an environment where we pretty much go with the flow and make the best out of what we have.  It is also an environment that my children are celebrated and cherished (well most days.....somedays I want to lock them in the closet inside our happy bubble).

It amazes me how much I have withdrawn from society and checked out of life while aiding in Hayden's recovery.  I have choose to stay away from negative people.  I have choose to not watch the news as I allow it to depress me.  I have choose to not initiate play dates and activities in fear of being judged or have people look at my son strangely.  I stay in my bubble because I don't want people to see that I am really not as strong as I make myself out to be.  I only want people to see my good days.  I only want people to see Hayden's good days.  I also stay in my bubble because I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone. I have a hard time relating to people these days.  I can not stand talking to someone and they complain about doing laundry or that their kid has a cold.  I seriously want to tell them to shut the fuck up and walk away.  Instead I find myself withdrawing and not connecting with people.  I also do not want sympathy and people feeling sorry for me and my children.

What does all that I said above have in common?????  It is all my beliefs and judgements!!  The amazing thing about all of that about being in my bubble is that it is MY beliefs and judgements and I have the power to change those beliefs :)

The truth is everyone can have an opinion but it is up to me what I do with their opinion.  I know that I am doing my best.  I really, really, really know that I am doing my best every single day.  I know that the day may not go as planned but it still a day that I get to choose if I want to love and make the best of it.  It's my choice.  I have a choice in what I want every single day.  I have the choice to change my beliefs if I feel they are not serving me.

So how does being in my bubble aka staying home and not connecting with people I do not choose to invite into my bubble serve me?  Wow, I am impressed that I am asking myself that question!!  Well, I think I use it to protect myself but when I really think about it what am I protecting myself?  Am I protecting myself from judgements??  Honestly why do I care or is that person looking at me strangely even judging my??  I am living my life for myself, no one else but myself.

So I am ready to break free from my bubble and the judgements that come with it.  I honestly have been working on it.  We have been going to story time at the local library since January and I have been working hard at engaging in conversation with the other families.  I signed both kids up for swim lessons this next term and choose not to say that Hayden has / had autism.  I choose not to say anything because his autism doesn't really effect him anymore and I want to stop hiding behind the autism.  The kids are both going to school in the fall.  I have been trying to set up play dates although it seems all my old friends are gone and have moved on.  Which I am not calling anyone out with this.  It is what it is and I feel that I have been missing for the last several years so I don't blame you one bit.

If anyone wants to get together let me know!  I have popped my bubble and from this day forward I want to be an active part in society :)

An update on Hayden:  He is doing amazing :)  I am little nervous for the super full moon that is coming on June 23rd but I know we will be fine.  Hayden continues to make gains every day and surprises me every day.  This morning as I was getting ready to leave for work Hayden sat in my lap for a couple minutes.  I asked him what he did at Grammie's yesterday and he said, "I had snacks."  I asked, "What kind of snack did you have?"  Hayden answered, " I had a strawberry."  I then said, "Did you have anything else?"  Hayden said, "Ummm........(while taping his finger on lips) a blueberry."  It was seriously the cutest thing ever!!  Tapping his little finger on his lips while he was thinking :)  He then went on to tell me that he swam for a really long time.  LOVE him!!!