Follow by Email

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Fall Reflections and Moving Forward

I really need to make a better effort to collect my thoughts and blog more often. It seems as a family we are moving more a more toward typicalism (yes, I just made that word up). 

Hayden is loving martial arts and is currently a purple belt. Every fall Hayden seems to regress a bit. He has started to verbally stimm again at times. I think its related to allergens and a histamine issue that I have largely been unsuccessful at treating. I also feel that his viral load is high and I am recently started to actively treat it. We are still very much involved and helping Hayden heal 100%. I look forward to the weather staying cool so Hayden can get back on track. 

Ruby is also loving martial arts, after school clubs, ballet, tap, and jazz. She is one busy girl and loves all that she does. She had a hard transition to first grade, but seems to back to loving school again.

Brandon is quickly building his real-estate portfolio, wrote his fist book, and working his booty off. That man works day and night.

Then there is me. I have been floundering with what to do with myself ever since the kids returned to school full time 3 years ago. This past fall I went back down to part time employment. I workout five days a week. I must say its my mental health. I love pushing myself and seeing what my body is capable of. The strength I have gained physically has really shocked me. This time last year I struggled with doing one push up. Today I did 50 :)

Ok, back to the floundering....... I have struggled these past three years to really figure out who I am post autism and what I want out of life. I feel like a completely different person. While in the trenches of autism land I didn't have time to think about myself or take care of myself. I devoted every waking moment to my children. Most people may think that I am overacting about my devotion. In reality most people have no clue what went on. There were many days that I didn't shower, eat, or sleep. I was focused on keeping Hayden safe (which was a 24/7 job as he didn't sleep), preparing all his food from scratch, running, training, managing, and working in his 40-60 hour a week home based therapy program, parenting my infant and autistic toddler, managing and delivering Hayden's supplement schedule, and working my job 24 hours a week outside the home. Looking back I am uncertain how I not only survived what I did, but truly lived in the moment. I have PTSD from it and still have exhaustion. It's not bad by any means but certain things put me on edge.

Ok, back to the floundering yet again.........We have all changed greatly from our experience with autism. It's forced Brandon to look completely outside the box to secure a future for our family. Ruby is loving and accepting of all people. She does not shy away from people with different abilities. Instead she becomes their friend and loves them. Hayden is just awesome in every way imaginable. He has the biggest heart. He has no idea how many people's lives he has touched and made view things from a different perspective. Then there is me.

The last three years I have not actively pursued who I am or who I want to be. I really felt like it would just come to me. Well, it was there all this time I just was not ready to see it or admit it. My biggest joy in life is being a Mom and housewife. I don't find satisfaction in working outside the home anymore. My joy is at home. If someone would have told me this 13 years ago I would have laughed in their face. I wanted nothing to do with being a stay at home Mom. In fact being a Mom was not on the radar. I was super career oriented, type A personality, selfish, control freak. My head still spins thinking about how much my journey into parenthood of an severely autistic child has completely changed me.

Hayden has taught me to stop and smell the roses. Its ok to not constantly be in motion. Its ok to sit and reflect and its completely ok to be yourself. I am such a happier, stronger, healthier, person because of that little boy.

I am ready to move forward. I am no longer going to flap around like a fish unsure of what direction to go. I'm READY!!! Man is this freeing. My heart and soul is being with my family. I'm finally at peace with this. I'm also ready to do something many people have encourage me to do. I'm ready to write my book about our journey in, through, and around autism. More importantly my journey into finding myself, loving myself, and living life the way I want in order to help my son. to start!! I know I am going to need a hardcore editor as my grammar, punctuation, spelling, and whatever format I was taught in college to use (can't think of the name) is completely off key. Do I write it microsoft word?? What's the best way to back it up (I'm technology challenged).

That's it! Expect my book to be quirky, witty, and a little cheesy mixed with some hardcore deep digging emotions.

That's it for tonight. I have to go move an Elf. Peace and Love friends :)

No comments:

Post a Comment