It's hard to believe that summer break is almost over and that my kiddos are headed back to school. I find myself second guessing myself on sending Hayden and Ruby to school. Don't get me wrong they go to an amazing Montessori school that I love and know that they are in good hands. If this school didn't exist I would with out a doubt be homeschooling.
When we took Hayden out of school three years a go to run a full time Son-Rise program. My main goal was to get Hayden to a place that sending him back to school was a good fit for him emotionally and physically. When we took him out of school Hayden was unable to communicate his wants or needs, screamed / tantrumed the majority of the day, could not follow directions, and was in a completely stressed state the majority of the day. So we kept him home and did our best to provide him a nurturing environment that met his physical and emotional needs.
When we were running our program being able to send Hayden to school was a dream for me. A dream that I held on to every single day. I looked forward to the day that he could be so independent to play with other children, sit at a desk, communicate with his teacher, follow directions, learn and grow, and do all this with ease and joy. Well the day came two years into Hayden's Son-Rise Program.
I was a complete wreck sending him to school. I was also full of pride and oh so grateful!! The first year back (last school year) Hayden attended school 5, 1/2 days a week. He did great. He had maybe three challenging days the entire year. He made progress, made friends, and over all enjoyed being at school. He separated from be beautifully (something I was extremely unsure of).
Well, here I sit again and emotional mess. This year both Hayden and Ruby will be attending school all day 5 days a week. I am worried that all day might be too much for Hayden. That is a lot to ask of him. In reality it is a lot to ask of me. I am not ready to let my babies go. I love spending time with them and the thought of them being gone 5 days a week all day and then me being gone all weekend to work breaks my heart.
There are aspects of them going to school I am excited about. I will be able to workout uninterrupted, catch up on some reading, and maybe take a nap. Maybe I will start writing my book or figure out what I want to be when I grow up :)
Part of me feels guilty about being so emotional about Hayden and Ruby going to school all day. I know a million Mommy's out there that would love to be in my position of sending their child to a typical classroom with out any extra help. To those Mommy's: I am sorry if I come across ungrateful or ridiculous. I know your struggle. I know what it is like to dream for a break. To wish for the day that you get to eat a hot meal, take a shower, and sit down for five minutes.
Recovery is not what I pictured at all. I always thought we would be skipping through a field of flowers holding hands with out a care in the world. The truth is I am left with PTSD. I have an extremely hard time letting go of Hayden and often find myself hovering. I feel that at any moment the ball can drop and he can face dive right back into the disconnected world he was in. I sit on pins and needles think that we are one nasty strep infection or tick bite away from autism. I fear that I will "loose" him again. Honestly, I don't know if I have it in me to do it all again.
That is why I have continued on the aggressive treatment protocol we are on for so long. Out of fear. Fear is not a good place to be in. I often tell myself that I will not let fear drive me or that I will not make decisions based on fear. I have let go a bit and we are transitioning off the aggressive protocol and going into a more manageable protocol that I have basically designed for Hayden. I am really focusing on rebuilding his immune system right now and continuing to heal is gut. I feel that his pathogen load is in a good place but his immune system could still really use some work.
I have started to allow some grains back into Hayden's diet and he has down really well with them. Slow and steady, one day at a time. That's what I am doing. We will never eat the standard american diet but I know one day Hayden's diet will be much more manageable and realistic.
This blog post really got off track from what I initially was going to blog about :) Basically I keep chugging away, living my life, and loving my babies the best I can.
Sending lots of love to all of you :)
XOXO,
Brandi
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