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Thursday, August 8, 2013

How the heck am I going to do this?????

So here I am a complete mess.  I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.  I know so many amazing people out there that would LOVE to be in the place I am in. For the past two years I have worked my butt off. I have went all day with out sitting, eating, or showering so I could help my son recovery from autism and give my daughter my focused attention as well.  I have been my son's doctor, nutritionist, therapist, play mate, mother, and personal chef.  I can't think of a day in the past 3.5 years since Hayden's diagnosis that I just let go and didn't eat, breath, sleep autism. I don't know my husband, myself, and my friends anymore (well the few friends that have stuck around).  The only thing I know is my kids and autism. My family, my self, and living life in general has been put on the back burner.  My soul purpose has been to heal my son.  I am the one that gave him autism.  I am the one that brought him back from autism (with the love and support of many amazing people).

We took Hayden out of school 2 years ago to run a full time Son-Rise program for him.  He has averaged 40 hours a week of therapy in our home the past two years.  I have managed that program for the past two years.  This June we cut back on hours and are down to 12 hours a week.  We have really enjoyed having a flexible summer doing what *normal* people do.  I have really enjoyed our summer but in the back of my mind I go to my freak out place and know that with each passing day my kids are going to school.

So here I am a complete mess preparing to send my kids to school in 12 days.  This is HUGE deal for me and Hayden.  I am beyond excited for Ruby.  She is so ready for school and asks every day if it is time to go.  Hayden tells me he does not want to go to school.  He is ready, he is ready, he IS ready.  I know he is ready.  I know that he is going to the best possible place for him and that his sister will be right there with him. Hayden is going to school like any other kid :)  We did it!!!  So what is my problem??

I feel like I should be jumping up and down celebrating!!  The kid that had no language, no eye contact, didn't want me to touch him, screamed 90% of the day, and that always wanted to be by himself is going to school with out any kind of exceptions or special treatment.  He is just a normal kid. Hayden is happy, healthy, and thriving........what more can I ask for.

Part of me wants to smack myself for feeling this way.  I know that if I was reading this blog two years ago when Hayden was in a challenging place I would have thought what the HELL is this ladies problem.  That is why I have not shared with the autism community how I am really feeling about school.

The truth is (after many, many dialogues) my soul purpose is no longer there.  I no longer need to eat, breath, sleep, autism.  I no longer have to be in complete control of every aspect of my son's day.  I am sending him to school for 3 hours a day, 5 days a week.  I am having a hard time wrapping my head around what I will do during those 3 hours, 5 days a week that will fulfill me.  I don't want to just take care of myself.  I want to give back, I want to help others.  I just don't know how yet.

I want to inspire other autism families that there is hope.  I want to work with kids with disabilities.  I want to educate people on our toxic world and how to live a healthier life.  I want to heal people.  So how the heck do I do that????

Do you think it would be bad if I am drunk when I drop the kids off at school.......just kidding!!  I can do this :)  Send me so extra positive energy on the 21st!!