I have to admit that I have always put my children first. My needs and wants always came last and I viewed anyone that put themselves before their children as selfish. The truth in the process of always putting my children first I was suffocating the life out of myself. I hit my cracking point this past winter and decided I wanted to change that.
I wanted my kids to not only see me as "Mom" but see who the real Brandi is. When I really thought about it I felt like the real Brandi had become lost. I had given myself away early on in motherhood.
I remember the days of going all day with out eating, taking a shower, and tears running down my face because I had to pee so freaking bad. I was determined to take care of Hayden with out the help from others and do everything myself. I remember Brandon wanting to help and offering to feed Hayden a bottle. I use to get so pissed off at the notion of "feed him a bottle". I am pretty sure that Brandon would tell you that my head would spin when he suggested such a thing. I was also 100% determined to breastfeed my child. I was so determined to breastfeed or provide my child with breast milk while I was away that I lost 80 pounds in 3 months. It was CRAZY....although I liked the weight loss it was not healthy to loose weight like that.
So fast forward 3 years. I was working more hours than I wanted to, starting Hayden's Son-Rise program, sticking to Hayden's diet, and continuing on his supplement and biomedical schedule. All I did was eat and breath autism and go to work. I was feeling run down, emotional, and starting to gain weight. I am pretty sure I was depressed. I went to my doctor for support and encouragement. All the doctor wanted to do was put me on antidepressants and birth control. Yeah, that was a NO go............why did I even bother!
I then went to the chiropractor because I had been having horrible headaches. I thought I just needed to be adjusted. He adjusted me and said, "I think you are just stressed." REALLY......YOU THINK SO!!
I still laugh about this! Holy crap he hit it on the nose. I decided it was time for me to take charge of my life and stop putting myself last. I started a vitamin regimen for myself and changed my diet. I started with removing gluten from my diet.
I started feeling better in a months time but something was still missing. I wanted to do something for myself that I would not feel guilty about leaving my children for. I came up with this plan to start going to the gym. I told myself that by going to the gym I would be healthier and a good example for my children. I could go when Hayden is in therapy and I could take Ruby with me to the child watch area.
It cracks me up that I had to think of my kids to make this happen from myself. I am happy to report that I am still going to the gym 2-3 times a week and absolutely 100% love it. It feels so good to go and work out. I often dialog myself while I am running. I talk to people, I smile, I laugh and a lot of times I am laughing at myself. Today I fell off the bench I was doing plank jumps on and started laughing :) Usually I laugh because I nailed myself on the back of the legs with the jump rope for the one millionth time.
Today I ran 2 miles in 18 minutes which is a huge accomplishment for myself. I have learned to love running and over come asthma. There is nothing like a nice hard run to clear your head.
I go to the gym now for me. I go if my kids are crying. I go if my kids are sick. I GO and I feel good about GOING. I want this time to myself and I take it!!
I look forward to the day that I can run in marathons and my family will be cheering me on. I want my kids to know how important it is to take care of yourself and love yourself.
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