The past 48 hours have been a challenge and a true testament to the dedication I have for my son. We removed fruit from his diet 48 hours ago and he has been craving it big time. He screams and tantrums the way a drug addict craves drugs. The craving he has for fruit (mainly the sugar that is in fruit) has taken him over. Hayden has become pale and has dark circles under his eyes. His belly is bloated and he is emotional. He is sensory seeking more than I have seen him do in the past year.
I feel like my heart has been kicked and that someone is sitting on my chest. I absolutely hurt for him. I know that I am doing what is best for him. I made a statement to God tonight "Has he not suffered enough." I know many people might think he just has autism....he is not suffering.
Hayden has been hospitalized 2 times in the pediatric intensive care for his asthma, once to the pediatric floor. He has had stitches, staples, and been glued on three separate occasions. He has had numerous blood draws that usually require 3 plus sticks to get his blood drawn. He has had oral surgery to remove two teeth and fill 15 surfaces on his feet. Hayden has horrible gut issues that just don't want to stop despite my best efforts. Hayden is unable to eat any kind of grain, dairy, fruit, and refined sugar. He has to consume an all organic diet to reduce his toxic load. Hayden had horrible eczema until we figured out what was causing it. Haircuts are physically painful as well as teeth brushing, loud sounds, lots of things moving, smells, and bright lights.
In all that Hayden has been through I am still thankful and incredibly blessed. I am thankful that he does not have a life threatening disease. I am beyond grateful that he has the ability to communicate with me his wants or needs, to give me a kiss, a hug, and say I love you. There are parents out there that NEVER get any of those things from their children. Heck their are people out there that are not even able to have children. Their are parents out there that hold their dyeing children in their arms. There are mothers out there that give birth to babies that are not living.
My challenge to you is to really look at your children and celebrate them. Celebrate the fact that they are able to tell you NO, celebrate the fact that they are able to spill their drink on the floor, celebrate the fact that they are able to kick and scream and have a full blown temper tantrum. What an incredible blessing and NONE of it, I mean NONE of it should be taken for granted!!!
While I type this blog my mind is thinking of all the parents I have watched hold their children while they take their last breath. For you I am grateful to have that experience with you. By being present in one of the hardest days of your lives you taught me to be a better parent. I don't take one day for granted and truly take the time to be present with my children. My heart and prayers are with you all.
I often look at Ruby and can't help to think about how super amazing she is. I love the fact that she can tell me exactly what she is thinking........sassy or not. I appreciate that she can tell me NO or STOP IT. It is my job as her parent to teach her and model her how to be respectful and loving. If I choose to have a tantrum or yell at her for telling me NO what does that teach her.........yelling gets you what you want. I prefer to get down on her level and explain to her why we don't talk to Mommy like that. No, I am not perfect and yes, I have yelled at her. I do my best.
I am sitting by my sweet Hayden watching him sleep. It is amazing to me how peaceful his body looks while he is sleeping tonight. I know in a few more days the worst of the fruit and honey withdrawals will be behind us and the healing will begin once again.
My heart is still heavy for Hayden tonight and I am okay with that. A nice soak in the bath, with a few chocolates, and a nice book sound like a nice way to end my day and refocus on what my purpose is.
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